You make me feel like a ...

Gender is such an interesting thing. I've never felt confined by my gender, although I realise that this may be an unusual experience. Any limits on the possibilities open to me have always seemed those of skill or competency, and not because I am female. I am thankful indeed to have been born into a family environment and been part of a wider network (school, church, friends) that has encouraged and enabled me to follow my own path, without worrying about society's expectations of me as a woman.

Actually I've always been glad to be a woman, and at times even glad to play the 'helpless female' when it worked to my advantage. I've always (and perhaps cynically) seen social expectations as something to take advantage of when working in my favour, and subverted or ignored when not!

I love the freedom in being a woman, and implicit in that, the freedom not to be a man. While I want men and women to enjoy equality of opportunity and expression beyond gender lines, I also want to celebrate the differences between us. While I recognise in myself some traditionally masculine qualities (or 'Martian characteristics', as some have heard!), I don't ever want to feel that the only way I can express those is to be less female. In fact, I long to use all the talents God has placed in me while more fully the woman He has made me. O to be the woman described in Proverbs 31!

I've always felt that to be a woman of God is to celebrate everything that God has put in me that is female. And for me personally, much of that is tied up in the idea of what it means to be in partnership with a man. (Though i'm not saying that a woman is incomplete without a man!) But I guess, for me, some of what I want to enjoy as a woman is to be pursued and loved by a man, to enjoy beauty and 'femininity', cherished and protected in marriage, submitted to my husband, motherhood... Like many girls I know I identified on one level with the picture John Eldridge paints in 'Wild at Heart' - the secret desire to be rescued by a knight on a white charger and carried off into the sunset.. (although - for any secret admirers out there - I will accept a more liberal interpretation! though the horse is essential)

I've always been a independent sort of person, as I'm sure those of you who know me would agree! So some of this has come as a surprise to friends in the past. And I realise that some of this is controversial - not every girl friend would agree with those things I have picked out.

I remember an occasion a few years back which sticks in my memory as a moment of epiphany about myself. I was at a party with some friends, but ended up having to leave early and walk home. Some friends (guys) offered to walk me and I waved them off with a 'oh no, don't worry, I'll be ok', but as soon as I'd left realised that I would have loved someone to have insisted. They were valuing my independence and right to make my own decisions, but somewhere in me was the social and cultural expectation that a guy should walk a girl home after dark, should insist on doing so despite protestations to the contrary! So although I was perfectly capable of getting home and wasn't worried about walking alone in Durham or anything like that, I guess I did want those social roles to still work in my favour!